Since I've seen a couple posts about marriage over the past few days, I can't stop thinking about it and decided I needed to write out my own feelings on the subject. This might not be super coherent but oh well this is the internet not English 100. ANYWAYS here I go(this will be super long fyi)
TL;DR : marriage is not an escape, marriage is not butterflies and rainbows 25/8, marriage doesn't have an age limit
1. The phrase "just wait till you get married"- I despise this so much. It ruined not only my perception of marriage, but my perception of my own home and family that I live with. Let me start by saying, I've always been really independent. Thats all I wanted really, was to be a mature, independent woman who could take her own life into her own hands without constantly needing someone by her side. But alas, as a young desi girl, that is a mere fantasy. So I saw my home as a trap, with my parents being the guards, and this majestic future husband as the key holder to unleash me from my misery(dramatic, i know). I wanted so badly to either move out for college so i could be on my own (literally the only reason I wanted to go to college at one point) which my parents obviously didn't let me do, OR just get married! Problem solved! Then I could go out with my friends, go shopping, stay out for longer than an hour or two at a time, and buy and do whatever else I wanted without my parents saying anything to me. I could have my own privacy. My OWN life. And yes, I understand that its not the safest thing for women to be out by themselves nowadays, but why is it that when i get married and have to go grocery shopping by myself its all of a sudden ok? why is it that my husband is ok with it but my parents can't be? why should my husband let me go out to lunch with my friends if he's also supposedly supposed to be the most important person in my life? we all know lots of people in relationships struggle to make adequate time for their friends, so why should I wait and struggle to do that when I get married if I already have time for them before I get married?
While I currently struggle to answer these questions, younger me didn't lol. When I was younger, I decided I was ok with that, and couldn't WAIT till i got married. What 14-16 year old tries to get married?? Oh wait, one that has a completely misconstrued vision of what marriage really is. I wanted to get married for selfish reasons. I saw marriage as an escape, filled with someone to unconditionally love me when i thought my parents hated me(secretly they're the only people who unconditionally love you tbh). I never took the time to think, what happens when I hit a point in my relationship where Im struggling? The thing that I turned to to provide me an escape, can no longer do that anymore. Now I need an escape fRom my escape?? no lol. why can't we spend as much time trying to learn about how to build strong relationships as we do looking for the perfect rishta and planning bridal showers?? the supposed "perfect man/woman" isn't gonna make my life better if they don't know how. I'm not gonna know how to fix our problems together if i don't know how. yet all I'm busy worrying about is when my fairytale wedding will finally come to play so i can finally be free. isn't that the same type of BS disney princess movies are trying to feed us that were trying to get away from??
2. Age- this is another issue for some reason. i have different opinions on this, but in the end, i genuinely don't care what people choose to do with their lives. that being said, i have always wanted to get married at a fairly young age(obvi lol^). so, that is why i believe that "early" marriages are ok. but ONLY! if one is capable. if not, and one feels they are not ready, that is also GREAT! since "age is just a number" who cares what number in their life they get married at??
i know a lot of people don't understand young couples and how they can manage to make something as big as a marriage work at such a small age. newsflash: not everyone is at the same maturity level as others. not everyone has the same LIFE GOALS as others! some want a job, some want a family, some want to live with a bunch of cats for the rest of their lives. and thats totally cool. but someone who just graduated college and wants to get married has the right to do so, as well as the person who wants to get a job, take care of themselves first, and THEN take care of another person.
idk why aunties are so focused on telling their kids "wait till you get married" because apparently marriage is seen as a mandatory, freedom inducing cultural ritual with an age restriction, instead of something that requires work and mature, logical thinking. its hard for kids to be more mature and logical if they're being holed away, sheltered at home all the time and then BAM have to do everything on their own once they get married. obviously this isn't the only thing that makes kids more mature, peoples brains can develop differently, but the point is, i think maturity and good thinking skills plays a key role in marriage.
2.0- trying to understand why this culture is so focused on getting kids married young, i think its because thats all indo-paki people know about because they were CAPABLE of taking care of a home at such young ages. in america, our levels of maturity, our understanding of responsibility, and our focus on freedom!! and independence!! *cue fireworks* is totally different because its a different culture. when these two cultures of collectivism and individualism collide, it makes for a lot of aunties and teenagers head butting with their ideas.
lastly, i believe in Qadr. so, if someone really is supposed to get married at 16, 17, 18 or 27, 28, 29(gasp!1!) then it will happen. regardless. so can we all stop judging people who do or don't get married? because sometimes maybe they do want to.. but its just not written for them yet. or maybe they don't really want to but they still get married. either way, to some degree, most of your life is based on destiny and thats why i think its unfair to even ask people when they're gonna get married because i mean does anyone know?? no.
if you made it this far, thanks, i love you. idek if any of this made sense.
ps shameless plug: i have moved to anamateurskitchen.blogspot.com
Friday, July 1, 2016
My thoughts on marriage
Since I've seen a couple posts about marriage over the past few days, I can't stop thinking about it and decided I needed to write out my own feelings on the subject. This might not be super coherent but oh well this is the internet not English 100. ANYWAYS here I go(this will be super long fyi)
TL;DR : marriage is not an escape, marriage is not butterflies and rainbows 25/8, marriage doesn't have an age limit
1. The phrase "just wait till you get married"- I despise this so much. It ruined not only my perception of marriage, but my perception of my own home and family that I live with. Let me start by saying, I've always been really independent. Thats all I wanted really, was to be a mature, independent woman who could take her own life into her own hands without constantly needing someone by her side. But alas, as a young desi girl, that is a mere fantasy. So I saw my home as a trap, with my parents being the guards, and this majestic future husband as the key holder to unleash me from my misery(dramatic, i know). I wanted so badly to either move out for college so i could be on my own (literally the only reason I wanted to go to college at one point) which my parents obviously didn't let me do, OR just get married! Problem solved! Then I could go out with my friends, go shopping, stay out for longer than an hour or two at a time, and buy and do whatever else I wanted without my parents saying anything to me. I could have my own privacy. My OWN life. And yes, I understand that its not the safest thing for women to be out by themselves nowadays, but why is it that when i get married and have to go grocery shopping by myself its all of a sudden ok? why is it that my husband is ok with it but my parents can't be? why should my husband let me go out to lunch with my friends if he's also supposedly supposed to be the most important person in my life? we all know lots of people in relationships struggle to make adequate time for their friends, so why should I wait and struggle to do that when I get married if I already have time for them before I get married?
While I currently struggle to answer these questions, younger me didn't lol. When I was younger, I decided I was ok with that, and couldn't WAIT till i got married. What 14-16 year old tries to get married?? Oh wait, one that has a completely misconstrued vision of what marriage really is. I wanted to get married for selfish reasons. I saw marriage as an escape, filled with someone to unconditionally love me when i thought my parents hated me(secretly they're the only people who unconditionally love you tbh). I never took the time to think, what happens when I hit a point in my relationship where Im struggling? The thing that I turned to to provide me an escape, can no longer do that anymore. Now I need an escape fRom my escape?? no lol. why can't we spend as much time trying to learn about how to build strong relationships as we do looking for the perfect rishta and planning bridal showers?? the supposed "perfect man/woman" isn't gonna make my life better if they don't know how. I'm not gonna know how to fix our problems together if i don't know how. yet all I'm busy worrying about is when my fairytale wedding will finally come to play so i can finally be free. isn't that the same type of BS disney princess movies are trying to feed us that were trying to get away from??
2. Age- this is another issue for some reason. i have different opinions on this, but in the end, i genuinely don't care what people choose to do with their lives. that being said, i have always wanted to get married at a fairly young age(obvi lol^). so, that is why i believe that "early" marriages are ok. but ONLY! if one is capable. if not, and one feels they are not ready, that is also GREAT! since "age is just a number" who cares what number in their life they get married at??
i know a lot of people don't understand young couples and how they can manage to make something as big as a marriage work at such a small age. newsflash: not everyone is at the same maturity level as others. not everyone has the same LIFE GOALS as others! some want a job, some want a family, some want to live with a bunch of cats for the rest of their lives. and thats totally cool. but someone who just graduated college and wants to get married has the right to do so, as well as the person who wants to get a job, take care of themselves first, and THEN take care of another person.
idk why aunties are so focused on telling their kids "wait till you get married" because apparently marriage is seen as a mandatory, freedom inducing cultural ritual with an age restriction, instead of something that requires work and mature, logical thinking. its hard for kids to be more mature and logical if they're being holed away, sheltered at home all the time and then BAM have to do everything on their own once they get married. obviously this isn't the only thing that makes kids more mature, peoples brains can develop differently, but the point is, i think maturity and good thinking skills plays a key role in marriage.
2.0- trying to understand why this culture is so focused on getting kids married young, i think its because thats all indo-paki people know about because they were CAPABLE of taking care of a home at such young ages. in america, our levels of maturity, our understanding of responsibility, and our focus on freedom!! and independence!! *cue fireworks* is totally different because its a different culture. when these two cultures of collectivism and individualism collide, it makes for a lot of aunties and teenagers head butting with their ideas.
lastly, i believe in Qadr. so, if someone really is supposed to get married at 16, 17, 18 or 27, 28, 29(gasp!1!) then it will happen. regardless. so can we all stop judging people who do or don't get married? because sometimes maybe they do want to.. but its just not written for them yet. or maybe they don't really want to but they still get married. either way, to some degree, most of your life is based on destiny and thats why i think its unfair to even ask people when they're gonna get married because i mean does anyone know?? no.
if you made it this far, thanks, i love you. idek if any of this made sense.
ps shameless plug: i have moved to anamateurskitchen.blogspot.com
TL;DR : marriage is not an escape, marriage is not butterflies and rainbows 25/8, marriage doesn't have an age limit
1. The phrase "just wait till you get married"- I despise this so much. It ruined not only my perception of marriage, but my perception of my own home and family that I live with. Let me start by saying, I've always been really independent. Thats all I wanted really, was to be a mature, independent woman who could take her own life into her own hands without constantly needing someone by her side. But alas, as a young desi girl, that is a mere fantasy. So I saw my home as a trap, with my parents being the guards, and this majestic future husband as the key holder to unleash me from my misery(dramatic, i know). I wanted so badly to either move out for college so i could be on my own (literally the only reason I wanted to go to college at one point) which my parents obviously didn't let me do, OR just get married! Problem solved! Then I could go out with my friends, go shopping, stay out for longer than an hour or two at a time, and buy and do whatever else I wanted without my parents saying anything to me. I could have my own privacy. My OWN life. And yes, I understand that its not the safest thing for women to be out by themselves nowadays, but why is it that when i get married and have to go grocery shopping by myself its all of a sudden ok? why is it that my husband is ok with it but my parents can't be? why should my husband let me go out to lunch with my friends if he's also supposedly supposed to be the most important person in my life? we all know lots of people in relationships struggle to make adequate time for their friends, so why should I wait and struggle to do that when I get married if I already have time for them before I get married?
While I currently struggle to answer these questions, younger me didn't lol. When I was younger, I decided I was ok with that, and couldn't WAIT till i got married. What 14-16 year old tries to get married?? Oh wait, one that has a completely misconstrued vision of what marriage really is. I wanted to get married for selfish reasons. I saw marriage as an escape, filled with someone to unconditionally love me when i thought my parents hated me(secretly they're the only people who unconditionally love you tbh). I never took the time to think, what happens when I hit a point in my relationship where Im struggling? The thing that I turned to to provide me an escape, can no longer do that anymore. Now I need an escape fRom my escape?? no lol. why can't we spend as much time trying to learn about how to build strong relationships as we do looking for the perfect rishta and planning bridal showers?? the supposed "perfect man/woman" isn't gonna make my life better if they don't know how. I'm not gonna know how to fix our problems together if i don't know how. yet all I'm busy worrying about is when my fairytale wedding will finally come to play so i can finally be free. isn't that the same type of BS disney princess movies are trying to feed us that were trying to get away from??
2. Age- this is another issue for some reason. i have different opinions on this, but in the end, i genuinely don't care what people choose to do with their lives. that being said, i have always wanted to get married at a fairly young age(obvi lol^). so, that is why i believe that "early" marriages are ok. but ONLY! if one is capable. if not, and one feels they are not ready, that is also GREAT! since "age is just a number" who cares what number in their life they get married at??
i know a lot of people don't understand young couples and how they can manage to make something as big as a marriage work at such a small age. newsflash: not everyone is at the same maturity level as others. not everyone has the same LIFE GOALS as others! some want a job, some want a family, some want to live with a bunch of cats for the rest of their lives. and thats totally cool. but someone who just graduated college and wants to get married has the right to do so, as well as the person who wants to get a job, take care of themselves first, and THEN take care of another person.
idk why aunties are so focused on telling their kids "wait till you get married" because apparently marriage is seen as a mandatory, freedom inducing cultural ritual with an age restriction, instead of something that requires work and mature, logical thinking. its hard for kids to be more mature and logical if they're being holed away, sheltered at home all the time and then BAM have to do everything on their own once they get married. obviously this isn't the only thing that makes kids more mature, peoples brains can develop differently, but the point is, i think maturity and good thinking skills plays a key role in marriage.
2.0- trying to understand why this culture is so focused on getting kids married young, i think its because thats all indo-paki people know about because they were CAPABLE of taking care of a home at such young ages. in america, our levels of maturity, our understanding of responsibility, and our focus on freedom!! and independence!! *cue fireworks* is totally different because its a different culture. when these two cultures of collectivism and individualism collide, it makes for a lot of aunties and teenagers head butting with their ideas.
lastly, i believe in Qadr. so, if someone really is supposed to get married at 16, 17, 18 or 27, 28, 29(gasp!1!) then it will happen. regardless. so can we all stop judging people who do or don't get married? because sometimes maybe they do want to.. but its just not written for them yet. or maybe they don't really want to but they still get married. either way, to some degree, most of your life is based on destiny and thats why i think its unfair to even ask people when they're gonna get married because i mean does anyone know?? no.
if you made it this far, thanks, i love you. idek if any of this made sense.
ps shameless plug: i have moved to anamateurskitchen.blogspot.com
1 comment:
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Wardah said...
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This is all so true. You speak my mind 100%. And let me just tell you - marriage is not all butterflies and unicorns and independence and getting to do whatever the hell you want. In fact, with that newfound "independence" comes a whole lot of responsibilities, priorities, and real life adult problems that you never had to think about while living a sheltered, carefree life under the responsibility and protection of your parents. (you being - every unmarried desi girl, not you as in Saba <3). So, I say, enjoy life to the fullest extent while keeping Allah and your parents happy for as long as you can. 'Cause all too soon, you'll be thrown into the world of married life - a romantic notion full of unromantic realities. (Alhamdulillah, it is what you make of it, so these realities are not bad! Just not as carefree as you wish it could be).
...... And then wait till you throw kids into the mix. It just keeps getting better and better XD -
July 4, 2016 at 12:20 AM
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1 comment:
This is all so true. You speak my mind 100%. And let me just tell you - marriage is not all butterflies and unicorns and independence and getting to do whatever the hell you want. In fact, with that newfound "independence" comes a whole lot of responsibilities, priorities, and real life adult problems that you never had to think about while living a sheltered, carefree life under the responsibility and protection of your parents. (you being - every unmarried desi girl, not you as in Saba <3). So, I say, enjoy life to the fullest extent while keeping Allah and your parents happy for as long as you can. 'Cause all too soon, you'll be thrown into the world of married life - a romantic notion full of unromantic realities. (Alhamdulillah, it is what you make of it, so these realities are not bad! Just not as carefree as you wish it could be).
...... And then wait till you throw kids into the mix. It just keeps getting better and better XD
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